A drunk guy gets pulled over late one night.
Red and blue lights flash behind him, and before he can even fully process what’s happening, a police officer is at his window, calmly asking him to step out of the car.
The officer doesn’t raise his voice. He doesn’t lecture. He just sighs the tired sigh of someone who’s done this a thousand times before.
“Sir,” he says, “I’m going to need to run you through a few sobriety tests.”
The guy nods enthusiastically, like he’s just been invited to participate in a game show.
“Absolutely, officer. No problem. I’ve got this.”
The first test is simple. Walk in a straight line.
The guy takes two steps, sways like a palm tree in a hurricane, and nearly tips over. He laughs, tries again, and somehow ends up facing the wrong direction.
The officer makes a note.
Next test. Stand on one foot and count to ten.
The guy lifts his foot, freezes, panics, and immediately puts it back down.
“Eight!” he blurts out confidently.
The officer rubs his temples.
They move on.
“Follow my finger with your eyes,” the officer says.
The guy squints, his head moving instead of his eyes, then suddenly gasps. “Wow… you got three fingers now?”
The officer sighs again.
Finally, after several failed attempts and a growing sense that this is going nowhere fast, the officer decides to try one last thing.
He looks at the guy and says, “Alright. I’ll give you one final test. If you can pass this, I’ll let you go.”
The guy straightens up, suddenly serious. “Okay. I’m ready.”
“Use the words green, pink, and yellow in one sentence.”
The guy pauses.
You can practically hear the gears grinding in his head.
He looks up at the sky. Down at his shoes. Off into the distance like he’s consulting the universe itself.
Several long seconds pass.
The officer waits, arms crossed.
Finally, the guy nods, clearly satisfied with himself.
“Okay,” he says slowly, carefully. “The phone went green… green… and I pink it up, and I said yellow?”
Silence.
The officer stares at him.
The guy beams, proud as can be.
“Well?” he asks. “I did it.”
The officer pinches the bridge of his nose, trying not to laugh, trying not to cry, trying very hard to remember why he chose this career.
“Sir,” he says, shaking his head, “that is not how words work.”
The guy shrugs. “Agree to disagree.”
At that point, the officer has heard enough.
He gestures toward the patrol car. “Alright. Let’s go.”
As they start walking, the guy suddenly turns and says, “Hey, officer?”
“Yes?”
“You ever notice how sobriety tests are basically just pop quizzes you didn’t study for?”
The officer pauses, considers this for half a second, then says, “Every single night.”
They continue toward the car.
And as the door closes and the paperwork begins, the officer can’t help but think: it’s not always the swerving, the slurred speech, or the smell of alcohol that gives someone away.
Sometimes, it’s a sentence involving green, pink, and yellow that tells you everything you need to know.
