Ninety-four-year-old Grandma Ethel walks into a church and heads straight for the confession booth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
She eases the door shut, settles onto the little bench, and clears her throat. On the other side of the screen, the priest smiles kindly and says, \u201cWelcome, my child. What would you like to confess today?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ethel sighs, the kind of sigh that suggests she\u2019s been holding onto something juicy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cFather,\u201d she begins, \u201cI have a confession. Last night, I went out with a twenty-two-year-old man.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
There\u2019s a pause. The priest blinks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ethel keeps going. \u201cHe took me to dinner. A nice<\/em> dinner. Candlelight, real silverware, not that plastic nonsense. Then we danced. We laughed. He told me I look \u2018amazing for my age.\u2019\u201d She lowers her voice. \u201cAnd then\u2026 we went back to his place.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The priest grips the edge of the booth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cAnd,\u201d he asks carefully, \u201cdid\u2026 something inappropriate happen?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ethel lets out a delighted cackle. The kind that echoes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOh yes, Father,\u201d she says proudly. \u201cVery inappropriate.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The priest swallows. \u201cMy child\u2026 when was the last time you made a confession?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ethel thinks for a moment. \u201cOh, goodness. Probably\u2026 1956?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The priest exhales in relief. \u201cWell then,\u201d he says gently, \u201cyou\u2019re a bit overdue. Let\u2019s start from the beginning.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOh no,\u201d Ethel says cheerfully. \u201cI don\u2019t need forgiveness.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The priest pauses. \u201cYou\u2026 don\u2019t?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cNope.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThen why are you here?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ethel chuckles again. \u201cI just wanted someone to brag to.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The priest sits back, stunned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n But Ethel isn\u2019t finished.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYou see, Father,\u201d she continues, \u201ceveryone thinks once you hit a certain age, life just becomes knitting, naps, and yelling at the television. But last night?\u201d She sighs dreamily. \u201cLast night I felt twenty again. Well\u2026 maybe thirty. My knees still know their limits.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The priest rubs his temples. \u201cEthel\u2026 are you saying you\u2019re not sorry?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOh, I\u2019m sorry,\u201d she says sweetly. \u201cSorry I didn\u2019t do it sooner.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The priest opens his mouth, then closes it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ethel presses on. \u201cYou know what the best part was? He kept asking if I was tired. \u2018Do you need to sit down?\u2019 \u2018Are you okay?\u2019 Such a gentleman.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cThat\u2019s\u2026 considerate,\u201d the priest mutters.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cAnd when I told him my age,\u201d she adds, \u201che nearly dropped his wine glass. Poor thing looked like he\u2019d seen a ghost.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWhat did he say?\u201d the priest asks, against his better judgment.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ethel grins. \u201cHe said, \u2018Ma\u2019am, you don\u2019t look a day over seventy-five.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n She pauses. \u201cI tipped him extra for that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The priest sighs deeply. \u201cEthel\u2026 the church teaches modesty.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOh, I was modest,\u201d she replies. \u201cI wore flats.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n There\u2019s a long silence.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Finally, the priest clears his throat. \u201cAnd\u2026 what do you plan to do now?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ethel brightens. \u201cOh, I\u2019ve got plans. Pilates on Mondays. Book club on Wednesdays. And dinner with a thirty-year-old on Friday.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The priest chokes. \u201cThirty?!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWell,\u201d she says calmly, \u201cI don\u2019t want people thinking I\u2019m reckless.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The priest closes his eyes. \u201cEthel\u2026 do you have any<\/em> regrets?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n She considers this carefully.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYes,\u201d she says at last.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The priest leans forward, hopeful. \u201cAnd what would that be?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI should\u2019ve worn my good perfume.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The priest crosses himself.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Ethel stands, opens the booth door, and pats the wood affectionately. \u201cThank you for listening, Father. You\u2019ve been wonderful.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n As she shuffles away, she turns back and adds, \u201cOh\u2014and Father?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cYes?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIf you hear rumors about me,\u201d she says with a wink, \u201cgo ahead and believe them.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n And with that, Grandma Ethel walks out of the church smiling, leaving behind a priest who will never look at bingo night the same way again.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Ninety-four-year-old Grandma Ethel walks into a church and heads straight for the confession booth. She eases the door<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":5797,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5796","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-world"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/states-news.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5796","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/states-news.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/states-news.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/states-news.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/states-news.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5796"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/states-news.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5796\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5798,"href":"https:\/\/states-news.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5796\/revisions\/5798"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/states-news.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/5797"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/states-news.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5796"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/states-news.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5796"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/states-news.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5796"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}