Bob stumbled home late one night, very drunk, barely managing to kick off his shoes before collapsing into bed beside his sleeping wife. Within seconds, he was out cold.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The next thing he knew, he was standing somewhere bright and quiet. Too quiet.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
In front of him stood a tall gate made of gold. Behind it, clouds. Harps. The whole deal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
A man with a clipboard looked down at him and sighed gently.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cBob,\u201d the man said, \u201cI\u2019m afraid you died in your sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bob\u2019s eyes nearly popped out of his head.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cWHAT? No, no, no \u2014 that\u2019s not possible! I\u2019m not ready to die. I\u2019ve got plans! A job! A fantasy football league! You have to send me back!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The man closed the clipboard. \u201cI\u2019m sorry, Bob. There\u2019s only one way back.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bob leaned in. \u201cAnything. I\u2019ll do anything.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cYou can return,\u201d the man said calmly, \u201cbut only as a chicken.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bob\u2019s jaw dropped.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cA\u2026 chicken?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cThose are the rules.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bob thought about it. It wasn\u2019t ideal, but being alive as a chicken still sounded better than being dead.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cFine,\u201d Bob said. \u201cBut if I\u2019m going back, send me to a farm near my house. I don\u2019t want to end up in some factory.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The man nodded.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And suddenly \u2014 POOF.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Bob felt strange. Very strange.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He looked down and screamed\u2026 except it came out as a cluck.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Feathers covered his body. Wings where his arms should be. He was standing in the dirt, pecking at the ground without meaning to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOh no,\u201d Bob muttered. \u201cOh no no no.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n A rooster strutted past, chest puffed out like he owned the place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWell, well,\u201d the rooster said. \u201cYou must be the new hen. First day?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Bob blinked. \u201cUh\u2026 yeah. I guess.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHow\u2019s it going so far?\u201d the rooster asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cHonestly?\u201d Bob said. \u201cNot terrible. But I\u2019ve got this weird feeling inside. Like pressure. Like I\u2019m going to explode or something.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The rooster laughed. \u201cThat\u2019s just you ovulating.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI\u2019m WHAT?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOvulating,\u201d the rooster repeated. \u201cDon\u2019t tell me you\u2019ve never laid an egg before.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cOf course I haven\u2019t!\u201d Bob snapped. \u201cI was a man yesterday!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The rooster shrugged. \u201cRelax. Happens to all of us. Just breathe and let it happen.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Bob panicked. \u201cI don\u2019t think I\u2019m emotionally prepared for this.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cTrust me,\u201d the rooster said. \u201cIt\u2019s no big deal.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Bob closed his eyes. He breathed. He relaxed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n A few uncomfortable seconds later\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n Pop.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n An egg dropped beneath him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Bob stared at it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n His heart swelled.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cMy\u2026 my egg,\u201d he whispered.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He felt something he had never felt before. Pride. Accomplishment. A deep, overwhelming sense of purpose.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI made that,\u201d Bob said, choking up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Before he could even process it, it happened again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Pop.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n Another egg.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Bob was overcome with emotion.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cI get it now,\u201d he said softly. \u201cI finally understand motherhood. This is beautiful. This is miraculous.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Tears filled his eyes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n As he prepared to lay a third egg, suddenly\u2014<\/p>\n\n\n\n SMACK.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n A sharp blow landed on the back of his head.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Bob shot upright, eyes flying open.<\/p>\n\n\n\n He was back in bed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n His wife was standing over him, furious, hand raised.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cFor God\u2019s sake, Bob,\u201d she yelled, \u201cwake up! You\u2019re drunk, you\u2019re screaming, and you just CRAPPED THE BED!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Bob froze.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Then he looked down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Then he sighed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201c\u2026worth it.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n \ud83d\ude04<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Bob stumbled home late one night, very drunk, barely managing to kick off his shoes before collapsing into<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":5541,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[13],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5540","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-world"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/states-news.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5540","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/states-news.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/states-news.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/states-news.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/states-news.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5540"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/states-news.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5540\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5542,"href":"https:\/\/states-news.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5540\/revisions\/5542"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/states-news.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/5541"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/states-news.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5540"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/states-news.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5540"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/states-news.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5540"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}